So, watching golf is pretty boring. You can’t shout, fan signs are nonexistent, and the average spectator is a middle-aged man dressed in golf garb. Basically, viewing live golf is only marginally better than watching this. However, every June, the Principal Charity Classic is played on my home golf course, so I feel like I need to pretend to be interested in old dudes hitting balls for at least an afternoon or 3.

This year, I made an important discovery: a birdie on hole 14 meant $2 beer for the crowd. Finally, something to cheer about. I mean, I’m much better at playing golf when I’m fueled by alcohol, so I figured watching golf would be the same:

While playing golf, drinking beer=A reason to not give a crap that I shank 90% of my shots directly to the right. It’s also the reason my clubs are not spread out in ponds across the course. Actually, it’s probably the reason I occasionally golf, because man, that sh*t is boring sober.

While watching golf, the hope of cheap beer=A reason to not take a nap on the party deck. Birdie Watch 2011 required the ability to see and count to “2″, something that is hard to do while sleeping.

Anyway, after loading up on $2 beers, it became clear that I needed a new goal. After passing a bajillion Golf Channel cameras filming the festivities for what I can only assume is going to be used as the latest form of torture (I made a picture to demonstrate this), I decided that I needed to get on camera. Mainly, I figured it would be fun to force my sister to watch the tournament on television for hours on end with the hope of spotting me in the background for .5 seconds. However, I wanted this activity to seem less like golf and more like a game, so I did what any normal person would do; I dressed up like Waldo. Well, Waldo minus the hat. It was like 100 degrees outside, and even though death didn’t seem like the worst fate at the time, I would probably be sad about it the next time my friends did something not involving golf and I was too dead to attend. So, no hat. Also, I don’t have a Waldo hat.

Toward the end of the day, my friend bribed a volunteer with $20 for one of the “Quiet” signs used to hush the crowd when a golfer is doing something related to playing golf. A sign in the wrong hands can only help television cameo chances. It also probably helps mugshot cameo chances, but such is the risk of becoming a Golf Channel star. Also, these quiet signs make good weapons, just FYI. Nothing yells silence quite like a loud “SHHH” and a quick wallop to the side of the face with a cardboard paddle. Thank you, Principal Charity Classic, for hiring corrupt volunteers and creating signs in this shape. Seriously, this was the most useful bribe since that one time I had to pay a border guard 200 Euros for illegal entrance into Lithuania:

At the end of the day, all of our sacrifices paid off, as I did make it on television. I DVR’d the tournament, but there’s no way I’m watching it again to find myself. It looked something like this:

Related posts:

1. Principal Charity Classic
2. December 3, 2009
3. I’m Only Talking About Him, Because It’s More Fun Than Making Fun of Myself…